Friday, October 31, 2008

The Schoolhouse Bar

If Ballsbridge was an adjective, The Schoolhouse Bar would be the Ballsbridgiest. This lounge cum restaurant walks the tightrope with grace, oozing lavish comfort. Lock your bike to the iron wrought railing and step under the radiant glow of an industrial heat lamp, squeeze passed furs and suits into a long, gleaming bar with diffuse lights that twinkle gaily on the curves of bowl shaped wine glasses. There is a comfy, low seated couch zone where you imagine the coffee lovers dwell. It is the type of setup that suggests long, furry rugs and snoozing dogs. The pints are flowing, the staff are pleasant, everything is clean and yet rustic. But at the same time it is a shit hole. Why? Why do you think?

Cus of all the FUCKING COCKS.

That's right folks, this place is wank central. Three men at the bar. One says to the other 'so, did you stick with porscha this year? I did, great range ya know.' The others nod, disinterested. One of them pipes up 'Did you end up selling the place in,' he pauses dramatically to show that he is thinking, 'where was it?'
'Oh no. No, no, no,' the first one chuckles, patting his belly as far as he can reach around with his little, bogger fingers, 'No. No. Why, no. I doubled up the house. Or I'm going to. Twice the size, it'll be. Fabulous,' he gestured widely as though to indicate the scale of his brilliance.
'So, you didn't make a loss this year?'
'God no. Not a loss. A mark up. Guess at it. Wait 'till you hear this. 30%. Thir. Tee. Per. Cent. Fantastic,' he smiled, prodding his glasses up his piggy little snout.
'Oink oink,' replied his friend.
'Honk, honk, ee awwww,' added the other.
'You know, I was only hunting in the Riviera last -'

Yes... Go. Fuck. Your. Self. I fucking hate you. I am seething with putrid rage. It hisses and slithers out my mouth like white foam and all I can do is gnash and vibrate with anger. You guys, you have no soul. And everyone else in the bar, the girls, foreigners, younger suits, they're even, fucking, worse. These cocks are their idols. So, boys and girls, I would like to metaphorically rub my dick in your Mother. Fucking. Faces.

DIARIT: 3/10

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